The issues that need to be sorted after divorces aren’t limited to which spouse gets custody of the kids, who has to move out, or who keeps the plasma screen TV. When a couple unties the knot, who gets custody of the friends?

A swift way of dividing friendships is to use the idea that, like furniture and other possessions, you take out what you brought in. In spite of this, difficulty arisies when you take into consideration the friends you and your partner made as a couple. A divorced couple may suddenly find themselves abandoned by marries couples with whom they shared dinners, movie nights, or play dates between their kids. These friends possibly avoid socializing with either partner in a divorce because they don’t want to be perceived as taking sides. Which begs the question: When you’re divorcing, how do you sort out who gets which friend?

Helping you help yourself,

Many separated or divorced people seem to be deferring their happiness until they achieve certain goals. We tell ourselves, “I’ll be happy when my divorce is finalized,” “I’ll be happy when I get custody of the kids,” “I’ll be happy when I finally meet that one person in the world who’s right for me.”

Dr. Barbara De Angelis, a relationship therapist, calls this behaviour the “I’ll be happy when…” Syndrome; we sabotage our happiness by postpoing it until some outside event or occurance changes our lives forever. The truth, however, is that happiness is not an acquisition, it’s a skill. It’s not about what we get or experience, it’s about the way we live our lives every day. We can get things we thought would make us happy, such as a house, a spouse, the kids, but we’re not going to be any happier because happiness isn’t dependent on the outside.

Helping you help yourself,

Source: Divorce Magazine

Legal custody is the right to be consulted, advised, and involved in major decisions concerning the health, welfare, and education of your child (such as consent to a medical procedure or choice of school). Legal custody can be “sole” (where one parent has sole decision-making responsibility) or “joint” (where both parents have shared responsibility and a duty to consult with each other on major decisions).

Physical custody is the right to be primary caregiver or “every day parent” with whom the child lives. Physical custody can be primarily with one parent (where the child lives with one parent most of the time and the other parent has parenting time on weekends or evenings) or alternatively can be equally shared (where the child spends approximately 50% of the time living with each parent).

Helping you help yourself,

For those of you with children, here are some truths you should consider as you begin thinking about what kind of custody arrangements you want.

Truth: Your children’s needs will change as they mature, while the custody arrangements will probably remain fixed- it’s very expensive to return to court and revise the plan- so be careful what you agree to.

Truth: If you and the other parent are reasonable, honest, and mature, you can and should accommodate each other’s needs as much as possible and within reason. For example, if the other parent is going out of town for business and would like to switch weekends to avoid a long gap away from the kids, you should try to accommodate the switch (as long as it doesn’t interfere with important plans you or your children may have, and as long as you are assured that the switch is actually two-way and not just you giving up your time).

Truth: Most custody arrangements are decided by the parents or as a result of mediation, not in formal court hearings. Make sure that if you go this route, it’s because you honestly believe that the plan you and your ex have agreed to is workable, not because you’ve been manipulated into signing.

Share your truths.

Helping you help yourself,

While representing yourself in court instead of hiring a high-priced lawyer like myself can definitely reduce the financial costs of obtaining a divorce, removing a lawyer from the picture doesn’t necessarily mean that your divorce will be without financial costs or beyond your obligations for support. If he or she wants to, your spouse can drag your divorce proceedings out for years.

The only way to minimize the cost of your divorce is by making every effort you can to resolve the issues arising from the breakdown of your marriage together, without a lawyer’s assistance.

If there are children involved then you and your spouse need to agree on all aspects of childcare and custody arrangements. This means that you have to decide not only who the kids will live with but also agree on a visitation schedule for the parent they don’t live with, as well as when the visits will take place and for what amount of time.

Furthermore, property needs to be divided fairly so that both parties are satisfied with the division. If you own a house, you must decide who will continue living in the house and ultimately who will keep the house. If you can’t come to an agreement on the house then you must determine whether you should sell it and divide the net proceeds of sale. The division of funds doesn’t have to be a 50-50 split just as long as you can agree on an equitable way of sharing it. You also have to agree on the division of all other property which can come down to small things such as who gets the big screen TV or the microwave. A useful way of deciding is to take an inventory of your home, creating a list, deciding who gets what, and doing so until you’re both happy with the division.

Helping you help yourself,