Getting divorced can be a rocky road, and at some point you may feel completely out of control. One thing you CAN control is how you present your needs to your ex. Whether you choose to communicate in person, by phone, or via written word, using these tactics can help control emotions and drive the conversation toward a resolution.

1. Mirror. Many arguments between spouses are a product of miscommunication or misunderstanding. Try mirroring what your spouse has told you to ensure you understand. For example: “What I am hearing is that you would prefer to have your own property assessment done on the house. Is that correct?” This gives your spouse an opportunity to clarify, without emotion, what he or she is asking for.

2. Avoid “you” statements. The fastest way for communication to break down is when the parties get defensive. Starting any statement with “you” is generally accusatory and inflammatory. Avoid statements such as “you hurt me when you left.” Try saying “I was hurt when you left.” This eliminates the opportunity for your spouse to reply defensively.

3. Decide and Commit. You can’t force your ex to be on time, but you can choose how you react when he/she is late. Instead of saying “Why can’t you ever be on time?,” try saying “From now on, if you aren’t here by 8PM, we will have to reschedule your visit for another day.” Most importantly, stick by your statement so that your spouse knows you’re serious.

4. Get to the point. If your spouse gets off on an emotional tangent, bring the conversation back to the point at hand. Try saying “So, the bottom line is that you’re unable to take the children this weekend, but you would like to take them next weekend, correct?”

5. Stand firm. If your spouse asks questions that are irrelevant or make you uncomfortable, state clearly and concisely, “I appreciate your concern but I am not prepared to discuss that at this time (or ever).”

For more information on separation, divorce, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

Even without hiring a lawyer or going to trial, the cost of getting divorced can add up. Filing fees, Separation Agreements, mediators… it’s all astronomically expensive. If you end up in court battling over custody or money, you’ll be looking at a lawyer’s bill in the neighbourhood of $5,000-10,000 per day.

The exorbitant cost of litigation, combined with the backlogged court system– which sees approximately 70,000 divorcing couples per year across Canada– has led to a recently expanded “Mandatory Information Session” pilot project.

The new program applies to all spouses applying for a contested divorce. Upon filing a contested divorce application with the court, each spouse will be given an information sheet about the mandatory mediation session that they are required to attend. Their divorce proceedings will not move forward until each spouse receives a stamp of confirmation of their attendance.

The mandatory information sessions are divided into two groups– Applicants and Respondents- but the message to each group is the same: the contested divorce process is long, traumatic, and very expensive, and should be avoided at all costs. The information sessions are geared to encourage spouses to attempt to use negotiation or mediation to resolve their separation issues (custody, support, property) without entering into a nasty battle in court. The majority of cases that are bogging down our court system are the ones where spouses are fighting tooth-and-nail over petty issues, no matter the cost.

Many spouses are resistant to the idea of the mandatory information session because they have made their decision and want to get divorced as quickly as possible. On the other hand, divorced spouses who have gone through the contested divorce litigation process often wish that they had tried mediation as a way to save their sanity and their money.

This program is reflective of the need to keep divorcing spouses out of the court system. It’s beneficial not only to the government but also to you as an individual seeking a divorce. Save yourself tens (or in some cases, hundreds) of thousands of dollars and settle your issues out of court. Try our free software and create your own separation agreement at MyOntarioDivorce.com. Invest in a mediator. If you still need help, try our innovative and affordable flat-fee divorce solutions at BermanBarristers.com.

For more information on separation, divorce, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

In Canada, most divorces are granted on a no-fault basis. This means that a judge may grant you a divorce without you having to prove that your spouse violated the marriage contract, leading to the breakdown of the marriage.

A no-fault divorce is quicker, easier, and less expensive than a fault-based divorce. This is why the majority of divorces are granted on the grounds of the spouses living separate and apart for 1 year, as opposed to the fault-based grounds of adultery or cruelty. A no-fault divorce system allows you and your spouse to apply together to have the court declare the breakdown of the marriage without having to present evidence (or worse, pay lawyers thousands of dollars to present evidence).

The no-fault system severely limits the ability of a Respondent spouse to challenge the Application. If you’re the Applicant, this is good for you because once you have satisfied the court that you have established grounds for divorce by living apart for 1 year, your spouse cannot stop you from obtaining a divorce. On the other hand, if your spouse is the Applicant and you want to reconcile, there may not be anything you can do to stop the divorce from being granted.

It is always preferable to resolve as many issues as you can with your spouse before resorting to litigation. Work with your spouse to create a comprehensive Separation Agreement that addresses custody, property, and support issues (try our FREE Separation Agreement software at MyOntarioDivorce.com), then apply to obtain a simple divorce. Take advantage of the no-fault system and save yourself a lot of time, money, and frustration.

For more information on separation, divorce, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

You’ve already read the first and second installment in our series on Getting Ready to Separate: What to Take With You and What To Do Before You Leave. In our third installation, we look at what might be the most difficult conversation you will ever have to have: Telling your spouse that you’re leaving.

No matter how prepared you think you are for this conversation, chances are that you and your spouse will experience many unexpected emotions. While each couple and each separation is different, the following tips can be helpful as you navigate this harrowing process.

1. Script your thoughts. Think about what you would like to say to your spouse. Write a list and organize your thoughts. Keep it as simple, straightforward, and unemotional as possible.
2. Choose your time.  Set a specific time to speak with your spouse. Leave enough time to have a conversation (i.e. not as your spouse is leaving for work or as you’re going out the door to a social function).
3. Choose your place. If you are even remotely concerned about your physical safety, consider speaking with your spouse in a public place.
4. Find a friend. Tell at least one person about your plan to leave. Ask them to follow up with you after you speak with your spouse as you will likely need support. This is also wise in terms of ensuring your safety.
5. Take time to process. After you speak with your spouse, you’ll both need time alone to process what has been said. Make a plan to leave immediately after you’ve finished speaking to your spouse. Stay with friends or family while the dust settles.
6. Set up support. Consider pre-booking a session with a therapist. You may need it after speaking with your spouse.
7. Be prepared. Follow the advice in the first and second installment of Getting Ready To Separate, and make sure your exit strategy is already in place before speaking with you spouse.

For more information on separation, divorce, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

As we discussed in Divorcing With Dignity, keeping things civil with your ex is beneficial for everyone, especially when children are involved. However, communicating without tempers flaring is often easier said than done. You may be angry and resentful because your spouse cheated on you. Your marriage may have broken down because you and your spouse were unable to communicate.

Here are some tips for effective communication with your ex during your separation or divorce:

1) Make a list. Creating an agenda of topics to discuss and sticking to them will help you stay focused on resolving pressing issues without bickering.

2) Find a common goal. If you have children, agree to make all decisions with their best interests at heart. If not, find another end that you can both strive toward, such as selling your house so you can both move on with your lives. Sharing a common goal will help you work together towards a resolution.

3) Choose your medium. If you and your spouse cannot have a conversation without screaming at each other, consider using a different method of communication, such as written letters or emails.

4) Think before you speak, and especially before you write. If you find yourself getting angry or irrational while speaking with your spouse, terminate the conversation and resume it when you have had a chance to calm down. Do not send emails and text messages when you are angry. They may be used against you if you end up fighting over your children in court.

5) Cut ties. Contact your ex only when necessary. Keeping up regular communication just for the sake of being in touch will only make the separation more traumatic and drawn out.

6) Avoid accusatory statements.  No matter how angry you are at your spouse, using accusatory language will only make him/her defensive and your communication will break down. Be the bigger person.

For more information on divorce and other Family Law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer