In the first installment of our Getting Ready To Separate series, we looked at 5 important steps you should take to prepare financially for the process of separating from your spouse.  Chances are, finances are at the forefront of your mind when you’re thinking of leaving a marriage. Separating is expensive. Moving costs, rent, incidental bills… it all adds up. Here are some additional items you should add to your pre-separation to-do list:

1. Take advantage of benefits. Especially if you’re covered under your spouse’s benefits plan, now is the time to use your benefits. See your GP for a physical. Have a routine dental cleaning or that root canal you’ve been putting off. Have your eyes checked by an optometrist and buy new glasses or contacts. Redeem any massage or physiotherapy benefits (you probably need a therapeutic massage anyway!) and fill all prescriptions as close to your date of separation as possible. All of these things add up, and you’ll be glad you don’t have to pay out of pocket for them when you have so many other new expenses.
2. Stock up on groceries. If you have a lower income than your spouse (and especially if you’ll be taking the children), having a fully-stocked kitchen will help while you’re trying to get on your feet. Groceries are expensive, and you don’t need another expense while you’re paying for rent, new furniture, car payments, or any other expenses associated with separating.
3. Make repairs and purchase anything you might need post-separation. This may include making repairs to your vehicle or replacing your old computer.
4. Remove any personal information from your shared computer. Clear your computer’s history and saved passwords, and record any information that you may need.
5. Sort and purge. Donate old clothes, books, and anything else that you don’t need or use. This will give you an opportunity to sort through what you want to take and leave, as well as downsize so you have less to move when the time comes.

For more information on divorce and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

A divorce is one of the most stressful life events a person can go through.  No matter how amicable your split is, you should be prepared for a ride on an emotional rollercoaster. Chances are that you and your spouse will each experience surprising and confusing emotions, including various stages of denial, anger, and mourning.

If you have children, you owe it to them to keep things as civil as possible with your ex. Jointly committing to put the needs of your children first is an ideal way for you and your spouse to stay focused on the issues that require resolution. Furthermore, it is of utmost importance that your children are able to have positive relationships with both of their parents, so refraining from badmouthing your ex is crucial. For more on this, please see our article on parental alienation.

If you don’t have children, you can still choose to interact with your ex with civility. While doing so may seem near impossible at times, it is the best way to preserve your dignity and sanity. Here are some tips to help you divorce with dignity:

1. Look forward, not back. It’s easier to move onto the next chapter of your life when you close the last one with minimal feelings of regret.
2. Think of your children. Your children learn from observing you. Handling your divorce with civility and dignity is an opportunity to teach your children about strength and self-control. Furthermore, if you retaliate or behave aggressively toward your spouse, a family court may look unfavourably on you when it comes to custody and access of your children.
3. Reach out to friends, family, and professionals for support. Talk about your frustrations and seek help in dealing with them in a healthy, productive way.

If you lash out against your spouse (or anyone else) in a moment of weakness and anger, forgive yourself. Do not let one misstep become a downward spiral. Re-focus your energy on moving toward a resolution to your divorce and the next phase of your life.

For more information on divorce and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

The law views marriage as a legal merging of assets, and if it breaks down, one spouse is often left with less than the other. While it is expected that adults in the process of divorce make all efforts to support themselves, it is often the case that the spouse with a higher income or more assets will be responsible for supporting the other spouse.

As you may know, child support amounts are clearly and concisely outlined in the Federal and Provincial Child Support Guidelines. The formula is simple and is calculated based on the paying parent’s income and the number of children. Payment of child support is automatic and non-negotiable.

Spousal support is a completely difference game. Unlike child support, payment of spousal support is not automatic, nor is the amount simply calculated. On the contrary, it is an extremely complex calculation that is difficult even for seasoned lawyers to predict. Several years ago, two University of Toronto professors created the Spousal Support Advisory Guidelines; a formula for calculating the quantum of spousal support to be paid. Considerations include the length of the marriage, how difficult it would be for the spouse to become self-sufficient, the difference in income between the spouses, and any perceived sacrifices the economically disadvantaged spouse may have made for the sake of the marriage. Ultimately, the Advisory Guidelines are just that: Guidelines. Whether or not spousal support will be ordered and the quantum of the support is at the discretion of the judge, taking into consideration all of the specific circumstances of the relationship.

Both common law and married spouses are entitled to make a claim for spousal support. Married spouses are entitled to support under the federal Divorce Act, and common law spouses under the provincial Family Law Act. Entitlement to spousal support applies to both opposite-sex and same-sex couples.

Family lawyers often use a specialized program called “DivorceMate” to produce a spousal support calculation pursuant to the Advisory Guidelines. MyOntarioDivorce.com and Berman Barristers offer this calculation for a flat-rate fee.

For more information on spousal support, DivorceMate calculations, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com or BermanBarristers.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

Parental Alienation (PA) occurs when, during and after the process of divorce or separation, a child expresses irrational or unjustifiable dislike towards one of the parents (generally the one who does not have custody), resulting in the deterioration of the relationship between the alienated parent and the child.  PA is usually instigated by the custodial parent speaking negatively about the non-custodial parent, leading to distrust, dislike, or even fear. Examples of direct PA include one parent making derogatory statements about the other, or blaming the other parent for the breakdown of the marriage or financial difficulties. PA can also be passive, which occurs when the custodial parent accepts without question a child’s negative feelings toward the non-custodial parent, or when the custodial parent fails to support the child having contact with the non-custodial parent.

The key aspect of PA is that these feelings are unjustified; PA does not encompass alienation that occurs as a result of actual physical abuse by one parent. Sadly, PA occurs with enough frequency that it has resulted in the development of a medical condition amongst children known as Parental Alienation Syndrome. You can read more about the devastating consequences of PAS here.

Essentially, PA is a form of severe manipulation. Even in less severe cases of PA, the consequences can have a lasting effect on your child. In some cases, children who grow up to understand the concept of PA may become resentful of the alienating parent.

At MyOntarioDivorce.com, we encourage you to always put the needs and welfare of your children first. Engaging in PA not only damages your children but it may result in you losing custody or even access if the Family Courts become aware of the situation. As much as you may hate your ex-spouse for what they did to you, remember that your child is an innocent party. Be the bigger person and vent your frustration to a friend or counsellor. Keep the kids out of it.

For more information on divorce and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com or BermanBarristers.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

One of the most common questions I’m asked is what effect, if any, adultery has on the divorce process.

The short answer? Not much.

The majority of divorces in Canada are granted on a no-fault basis. That is to say that the breakdown of the marriage (the sole grounds for divorce) has been established by the parties having been separated for a minimum of one year.

The two fault-based grounds to establish the breakdown of a marriage are Adultery and Cruelty. If you are relying on Adultery or Cruelty in your Application, a divorce can be granted as soon as the matter can be heard in court.

Adultery has been defined as voluntary sexual intercourse of a married person with one of the opposite sex, however changing social norms have made the modern definition much more broad.

Adultery does not have to be proven by direct observation. The court may infer that adultery transpired based on the familiarity of the respondents and the opportunity they had to commit the offence. For example, evidence that the respondents spent a night in a hotel room together may be accepted as proof of adultery, especially in the absence of any denial from the respondents.

Due to a statutory protection that protects parties in divorce proceedings from being compelled to provide admissions needed for proof of adultery, applicants generally have to have independent evidence of adultery available at trial. This is usually in the form of a witness who can corroborate the applicant’s claim. Some judges will grant a divorce after hearing an admission from the adulterous spouse. Many will not, as it creates an opportunity for spouses to unjustly speed up the divorce process without waiting for the one year separation period to elapse.

There is a reason that most divorces are granted on the grounds of a one year separation. The process of presenting evidence of adultery to a judge is an emotional and expensive venture that many divorcing spouses would just as well avoid.

For more information on divorce and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com or BermanBarristers.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

In ironic recognition of the recent marriage of Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, a study was released this week showing that Facebook is either responsible for or involved in approximately 1/3 of divorces in the UK. You can bet the number is just as high in social networking-obsessed North America, and maybe even higher. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers confirmed that the number of divorces where Facebook was a factor has shot up in the last few years.

How has Facebook become such a huge contributing factor to the breakdown of marriage?

The main reason is the fact that Facebook accelerates the development of relationships by providing extensive personal information about and an outlet through which individuals can communicate publicly or privately. K Jason Krafsky, co-author of the book “Facebook and Your Marriage,” found that Facebook is the perfect opportunity to connect with new love interests or even old flames. Furthermore, Krafsky says that adulterous relationships, such as office romances or out-of-town affairs, which may have historically taken years to develop, are happening at lightning-speed thanks to Facebook. This is largely due to the fact that it has become the norm to “friend” someone you’ve met only once, or even not at all. It creates a venue through which individuals can get to know each other very well, very quickly, with merely the click of a mouse.

Even in cases where affairs develop offline, Facebook interactions have been shown to ignite suspicion amongst spouses, either through flirty messages, photos or cryptic comments made to or by mutual friends.

Facebook has made personal information far too accessible. It has completely changed the way we interact with friends, family, and acquaintances. People who haven’t seen or spoken to each other for 20 years can still know intimate details of each others lives, which makes re-connecting all too easy.

If you use Facebook, be careful what kind of personal information you offer up to virtual strangers. If you aren’t happy in your marriage, work on it. If you can’t fix it, get out. Don’t become part of the 33% of marriages destroyed by Facebook.

For more information on divorce and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com or BermanBarristers.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

Despite what you may have heard, it is possible to represent yourself in Family Court, provided you are well-equipped to do so. This means being organized, doing your research, and being armed with all the information you can get your hands on before going to court. Here are some helpful tips for self-represented litigants in the Family Law Courts:

1. Your spouse’s lawyer cannot give you legal advice. In some cases, your spouse’s lawyer may advise you about procedural steps to be taken, but be wary of any advice you receive directly or indirectly relating to the substantive issues of your case. Remember that your spouse’s lawyer is acting in your spouse’s best interest, and not yours.
2. Communicate with your spouse’s lawyer in writing. You may wish to send a letter to your spouse’s lawyer stating that you will only communicate via written letter or email. This is the best way to avoid the miscommunications that can occur with verbal negotiations. Be sure to keep copies of all communications for your files.
3. Be professional and respectful. Maintaining a civil relationship with your spouse’s lawyer will help the process move more smoothly and quickly. Furthermore, your spouse’s lawyer is required by the Law Society’s Professional Rules of Conduct to treat you with respect. If you feel you are being treated unfairly or taken advantage of by your spouse’s lawyer, you may wish to consider contacting the Law Society to seek further guidance or file a complaint.
4. Be organized. Find out how and when your documents must be filed. Confirm any tips you receive from your spouse’s lawyer about filing deadlines.
5. Be aware of cost implications. If your spouse is successful in court, you may be ordered to pay a portion of your spouse’s legal costs. This can be quite significant depending on the complexity of your case. In some cases, self-represented litigants have been ordered to pay costs to represented litigants where his/her conduct has caused unnecessary delays, regardless of success.

For more information on divorce and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com or BermanBarristers.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

SARNIA, ON: Jury deliberations commenced on Thursday, May 17, 2012 in the first degree murder trial of Craig Short, 52. Short is accused of murdering his wife Barbara, 48, in a desperate move to prevent her from taking any of his family assets in their impending divorce.

The beginning of the story is an all too familiar one. Barbara was alleged to have been carrying on an extra marital affair, which Short discovered when he found a series of Barbara’s hand-written poems about her lover. The prosecution alleges that Short had the motive and opportunity to carry out the murder of his wife, and that he did so on October 18, 2008. Her body was discovered behind the couple’s home, her skull fractured. Short claimed that she fell from the roof while he was out of the house, however the prosecution has cast doubt on this theory as there was no ladder present at the scene. Jurors were told that Short’s only concern was protecting his assets in the impending divorce. Witnesses testified that Short had threatened to harm or kill Barbara rather than see her take any of his money. He was self-employed and she was a bookkeeper for his business.

After two days of deliberation, the Jury was discharged when the foreman informed the judge that the jury was “impossibly deadlocked,” a devastating result for all parties who will have to rehash the tragedy of Barbara’s death for a second time.  A new trial will likely commence in 2013.

The message to take away from this terrible story is that no matter what the circumstances of your divorce, violence is never the answer. Even threatening violence against your spouse will land you in hot water and is a cowardly way to get what you want.

If you are a victim of spousal abuse or fear for your safety during the separation process, please contact the police and a qualified family lawyer for help.

For more information on divorce and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com or BermanBarristers.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

You’ve talked. You’ve fought. You’ve tried therapy. You’ve exhausted every avenue to save your marriage and are moving forward with a separation. The process of separating will undoubtedly create high levels of emotional tension between you and your spouse. Anger, pettiness, and resentment can lead to a messy split, so if you’re thinking of leaving, there are a number of matters you should tend to before alerting your spouse that you’re leaving. If your spouse retaliates out of spite, you will be glad you took the time to get organized. It’s up to you to protect yourself and your assets. Here are 5 things you should do before you separate:

1. Make photocopies of all important documents. This may include your mortgage, insurance documents, bank statements (for joint and individual accounts), any statements showing your and your spouse’s income, RRSP statements, investment statements, vehicle ownership papers, and any other documents pertaining to individual or shared finances.
2. Make a list of the chattels you are taking with you when you leave. This includes furniture, appliances, books, and any other personal possessions. Consider including any financially or emotionally significant items that you are intentionally leaving in the possession of your spouse. Date and sign your list, and consider leaving a copy for your spouse’s records.
3. Open a bank account in your own name and start putting some money away, if possible. You’ll want to make sure that you are able to support yourself when you leave, and in case your spouse petitions to freeze your assets. This is especially important if you will be claiming spousal support, as support payments likely will not start immediately.
4. Protect your assets. Remove any heirlooms (jewellery, deeds to your family cottage, etc) from your home and safeguard them in a safety deposit box.
5. Alert all financial institutions and advisors that no action is to be taken with regard to joint assets without your express consent. Obtain separate credit cards and revoke any powers of attorney that your spouse may have.

Be sure to check out our other articles on Getting Ready to Separate: What To Do Before You Leave and Telling Your Spouse.

For more information on separation, divorce, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com or BermanBarristers.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

Supporting a friend or family member going through divorce can be confusing, especially if you’ve never been through the process yourself. Consider these tips for helping your loved one navigating his/her divorce:

1. Listen more, talk less. Many people going through divorce simply want a sympathetic ear. If your friend or family member wants your advice, they’ll ask you.
2. Acknowledge their trauma. A divorce is like a death. Often, there is nothing you can say to alleviate your friend or family member’s pain, but you can acknowledge how terrible the situation is and reiterate that you are willing and ready to help in any way.
3. Help Prioritize. Going through a divorce is overwhelming. Help your friend or family member set up a list of priorities. Make a budget. Research housing options. Collect bills and set up automatic payments. The fewer things they have on their to-do list, the better.
4. Avoid the “Moving On” talk. Do not suggest that your friend or family member start dating or moving on with their life. When they’re ready to take that step, they’ll tell you.
5. Suggest support groups. Your friend or family member may appreciate the support of like-minded people but may be too overwhelmed to look into it on their own. Provide your them with a list of available groups in the area and offer to call to obtain further information.
6. Do not attack their spouse. No matter how contentious the circumstances of separation, your friend or family member and their spouse may end up reconciling. Avoid a potentially awkward situation and keep your thoughts on your their spouse to yourself.
7. Offer to help. This may include babysitting to give your friend or family member some alone time, picking up groceries, or running errands. Ask them what they need and listen for clues. Keep asking, as their needs may change from day to day.
8. Provide Distraction. Invite your friend or family member to do something to take their mind off of the divorce. Something as simple as going for a walk can provide a welcome distraction. Don’t take no for an answer.

For more information on divorce and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com or BermanBarristers.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer