There are several “Dos” and “Don’ts” regarding the discussion of the family divorce. Here are a few key points that tend to be universally agreed upon regarding what to address when dropping the divorce bomb on your child.

Do: Explain that your child didn’t cause the divorce and nothing from their behaviour or past has contributed to the situation.

Do: Explain to your child that they can’t get their parents back together. A lot of children fantasize about this and spend a lot of time and energy trying to make their parents unite. It’s helpful to work on focusing the children’s energy not on looking in the past but rather on working on ways they can enhance this new experience.

Do: Allow your children to express their emotions and acknowledge that they’ll feel sad and upset about the situation. You can explain that it’s ok to be sad now and that everyone will be ok in the future.

Don’t: Criticize your ex. There should be no discussion of “who did what” or “who harmed who,” though important for parents to address, it’s simply not necessary for the children to understand.

Don’t: Use your children as messengers. If you aren’t able to converse with your ex, it’s suggested a friend, family member, or professional act as a mediator as this isn’t something a child can or should do.

Don’t: Use your child as a support system for your feelings; this is too much of a burden for a child to shoulder.

What are some of your own “Dos” and “Don’ts?”

Helping you help yourself,

I just got off the phone with a client. He was anxious to settle  and move on with his life and wondered if he could just divide all the assets and debts in half and pay his wife’s current living expenses and forget about the whole process that his wife had initiated. After all, if he did that, what was there to fight about? The children were now adults and on their own, and after a 30 year marriage he wanted to do what was right. 50/50 sounded pretty fair to him. Frankly, it sounded pretty fair to me. Why didn’t it sound fair to his wife and her lawyer, he asked.

Well, here’s why. 50% of what? That’s the question. She’s not going to take your word for it. She and her lawyer are going to want to see all sorts of documents confirming the value of your assets and debts and the amount of your net income after expenses before income tax. That means that you’re going to have to give her copies of Income Tax Returns and Notices of Assessment (usually for the last 3 years), Corporate Income Tax Returns if you own any companies, and Property Appraisals for any property you own including the matrimonial home and a cottage. While you’re at it, you might as well put together a year’s worth of bank and credit card statements to demonstrate where the money is going. Be an open book. Disclose your financial circumstances early and often if they change during your negotiations. It will create a sense of trust and establish or re-establish (as the case may be), your credibility. It will also enhance the chances of an early resolution.

It will help you to complete a Financial Statement and give it to the other side along with the disclosure. They’ll probably ask for it anyway and its mandatory if you’re starting an Application for Divorce or responding to one with the Answer form. All these forms are available at www.MyOnatrioDivorce.com and the Virtual Online Questionnaire System will take you through them easily and quickly.

So, do yourself a favour. Disclose early and often. Then, make that reasonable Offer to Settle based on the numbers supported by the disclosure. That will sound fair to your wife and her lawyer and you’ll be well on your way to getting on with the rest of your life!