In our last article, we discussed ways you can work with your spouse to improve your marriage in 2013. But what if your spouse isn’t willing to participate? Many clients come to us frustrated not only by their marital issues but also by the fact that their spouse was unwilling to attend marriage counseling or even discuss their problems. The fact is, some people are simply happy to maintain the status quo, despite being miserable in their marriage.

As you’ve heard before, we always encourage our clients to take every possible action to save their marriage before resorting to divorce. You may be unhappy and recognize that your marriage is in need of repair, while your spouse doesn’t see the problem. If you are dealing with a spouse who is a passive participant in your marriage and is unwilling to work with you, there are still some actions you can take as an individual to improve your marriage:

Stop trying to change your spouse. It’s easy to fall into the trap of depending solely on your spouse for validation, comfort, and entertainment. If your spouse is failing to meet your needs in any of those areas, take control of the situation from your end. Consider speaking to a counsellor to get to the root of your issues. You may be surprised by what you learn. Join a club or take a class. Reconnect with friends. Start an exercise program. When you find happiness in things you can control, you may find that you depend less on your spouse and feel less need to try to change him/her.

Focus on today. Try to let go of resentments and disappointments from the past. It is easy to let small issues get blown out of proportion when you feel that your spouse continues to make the same mistake over and over again. Focusing on the past causes you to lose sight of the present.

Ultimately, you are the only person you can control. Always make sure you’ve tried every possible solution before resorting to divorce.

For more information on separation, divorce, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

Going through a divorce can take a toll on your mental and physical health. It’s important to remember to take care of number one (that’s YOU) throughout the process. If you have children, you may be inclined to push your own needs aside to focus on theirs. While we always encourage you to prioritize the needs of your children, you can’t take care of them if you’re not healthy yourself. Here are some tips for staying healthy during your divorce:

1. Exercise. Taking care of your body while you’re dealing with emotional trauma is one of the most important things you can do. In addition to the general health benefits of exercise, taking some time to yourself several times a week to go for a walk or take an exercise class can help increase your cognitive function and provide an outlet for frustration. Furthermore, regular exercise can help you sleep better, and let’s face it: you need all the sleep you can get.

2. Ask for help. Whether you need help caring for your children, running errands, or a shoulder to cry on, now is the time to turn to your friends and family for support.   You may be surprised by the number of people who step up to help in your time of need.

3. Seek professional help. You may be dealing with issues that you are unable to manage on your own, or that your friends and family are unequipped to help you with. A counselor who specializes in separation and divorce issues can provide you with an impartial perspective and offer coping mechanisms.

4. Relax. Take some time for yourself every day to think, meditate, or clear your mind completely. Whether you enjoy cooking, reading, or even watching trash TV, taking the time to quiet the tornado of thoughts in your head is crucial for your health. Book a massage, take your kids to the park, and make sure you take care of yourself.

5. Let your lawyer help. Trying to navigate the legal system can be overwhelming. At MyOntairoDivorce.com, we have provided you with the information and resources you need to self-represent. However, completing these forms can be time-consuming, and if you’re already overwhelmed, it may be too much to handle. A qualified family lawyer can help alleviate some of the pressure.

For more information on domestic contracts, separation, divorce, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

Supporting a friend or family member through divorce can be confusing, especially if you’ve never been through the process yourself. Consider these tips for helping your loved one navigate the process:

1. Listen more, talk less. Many people going through divorce simply want a sympathetic ear. If your friend wants your advice, he/she will ask you.
2. Acknowledge their trauma. A divorce is like a death. Often, there is nothing you can say to alleviate your friend’s pain, but you can acknowledge how terrible the situation is and reiterate that you are willing and ready to help in any way.
3. Help prioritize. Going through a divorce is overwhelming. Help your friend set up a list of priorities. Make a budget. Research housing options if your friend is moving. Collect bills and set up automatic debits. The fewer things your friend has on his/her to-do list, the better.
4. Avoid the “Moving On” talk. Do not suggest that your friend start dating or moving on with his/her life. When your friend is ready to take that step, he/she will tell you.
5. Suggest support groups. Your friend may appreciate the support of like-minded people but may be too overwhelmed to look into it on their own. Provide your friend with a list of available groups in the area and offer to call for further information for them if they wish.
6. Do not attack their spouse. No matter how contentious the circumstances of separation, your friend and his/her spouse may end up reconciling. Avoid a potentially awkward situation and keep your thoughts on your friend’s spouse to yourself.
7. Offer to help. This may include babysitting to give your friend some alone time, picking up groceries, or running errands. Ask your friend what they need and listen for clues. Keep asking, as their needs may change from day to day.
8. Provide distraction. Invite your friend to do something to take his/her mind off of the divorce. Something as simple as going for a walk can provide a welcome distraction. Don’t take no for an answer.

For more information on separation, divorce, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

If you’re unhappy in your marriage or common law relationship, you owe it to yourself to do everything in your power to save it before resorting to divorce. This is especially true where children are involved.

For some, the idea of entering marriage counselling (or counselling of any kind) carries a stigma. This is an outdated notion. Considering the fact that approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce, the number of couples turning to specialized marriage counselling has increased significantly over the past few decades. Engaging the services of a counsellor is not an admission of defeat; it’s a necessary step in exhausting all available avenues through which your marriage might be saved.

If you have decided to try marriage counselling and your spouse is reluctant, you may wish to speak with a therapist on your own first. You should select a therapist who you have a rapport with; one who you believe can help you. Your therapist shouldn’t be simply a neutral listener to vent to- he or she should be a zealous advocate for your marriage. Even when you and your spouse want to give up, your therapist should offer useful solutions to improve your relationship. Ultimately, if you do decide to end your relationship, the decision should be yours and yours alone, and should not come as a result of any recommendations by a therapist.

In choosing a therapist, don’t hesitate to ask questions about his/her qualifications. Many therapists who provide marriage counselling lack specific training. If you have a unique issue, consider seeking a therapist who specializes in that particular issue. If you don’t feel that your therapist is providing you with workable solutions, consider finding a new therapist instead of resigning to separation or divorce.

Recent research shows that 2/3 of couples in unhappy marriages who commit to therapy are able to achieve happiness in their relationship after approximately 5 years. This may seem like a long time, but your family is worth fighting for. Consider what you stand to lose and work hard to save it.

For more information on separation, divorce, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

No matter how hard you try to keep things civil with your ex, you may have to deal with stubborn, uncooperative, or even outright aggressive behaviour from your spouse at some point during the separation process. Instead of letting your spouse’s behaviour intimidate or break you, try using the following approaches to dealing with a difficult spouse.

1. Choose your medium wisely. If you know that any verbal communication, whether in person or on the phone, will end in a screaming match, choose a different form of communication, such as email. Leaving a paper trail also helps track your communications should you end up in court at a later date.

2. Sleep on it. When emotions are running high, it is always a good idea to think twice before you hit the send button. Try writing an email to your spouse and re-reading it a day or two later. You may have gained some more perspective after having some time to think, and you may choose to re-word your email.

3. Speak up. If your spouse responds to you in an abusive or aggressive manner, firmly state that his/her reaction makes you uncomfortable and that you’d be willing to continue the conversation at a later date when he/she is able to communicate effectively.

4. Stand firm. If your spouse continues to harass you after you have asked him/her not to, don’t be afraid to unilaterally terminate the conversation. Try saying “I’m going to hang up now and I’ll talk to you about this in a few days.”

5. Practice. Try role-playing with a friend or counsellor before having a difficult conversation with your spouse. Think about different possible reactions from your spouse and how you will handle them.

Be sure to read Part 1 of our series on Communicating With Your Ex here.

For more information on separation, divorce, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

In an article for healthy living blog freshjuice.ca, writer Paul Benedetti interviews Dr. Guy Grenier, clinical psychologist and marital therapist in London, ON, about his top tips for married couples. Below is a brief summary of Dr. Grenier’s ten recommendations.

1. There is no such thing as Mr. or Mrs. Right. Be prepared to work on your relationship after the initial honeymoon period wears off.

2. Communicate. It’s the best investment you can make in your marriage.

3. A relationship is like a car: it requires maintenance. Take the time to regularly ask “how are we doing?” and address any areas that need attention.

4. Don’t be afraid to be emotional. Relationships are built on emotions, so be honest about fears and concerns.

5. Don’t focus on winning. In a win-lose pattern, you both lose.

6. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Don’t rely on your spouse to meet all your needs.

7. Don’t adhere to polarizing gender stereotypes. Focus on what you have in common, not what sets you apart in a negative way.

8. When you argue, focus on yourself. Don’t tell your partner what they do and why it makes you angry, use language such as “I feel, I need, I want.” These are commonly known as “I over You statements.”

9. Money is about Trust. Couples often fight over money because they don’t trust their spouse (either irrationally or through past experience). Consider having three bank accounts: “his,” “hers,” and “ours.”

10. Be open and honest about your physical and emotional needs. Being with your spouse should be fun, and intimacy is important.

If you’ve found us through MyOntarioDivorce.com, chances are you are already in the process of a separation or divorce. However, we hope these tips provide food for thought, whether you are considering trying to salvage your current relationship, or may enter a new relationship in the future.

You can read the full article here.

For more information on separation, divorce, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

Getting divorced can be a rocky road, and at some point you may feel completely out of control. One thing you CAN control is how you present your needs to your ex. Whether you choose to communicate in person, by phone, or via written word, using these tactics can help control emotions and drive the conversation toward a resolution.

1. Mirror. Many arguments between spouses are a product of miscommunication or misunderstanding. Try mirroring what your spouse has told you to ensure you understand. For example: “What I am hearing is that you would prefer to have your own property assessment done on the house. Is that correct?” This gives your spouse an opportunity to clarify, without emotion, what he or she is asking for.

2. Avoid “you” statements. The fastest way for communication to break down is when the parties get defensive. Starting any statement with “you” is generally accusatory and inflammatory. Avoid statements such as “you hurt me when you left.” Try saying “I was hurt when you left.” This eliminates the opportunity for your spouse to reply defensively.

3. Decide and Commit. You can’t force your ex to be on time, but you can choose how you react when he/she is late. Instead of saying “Why can’t you ever be on time?,” try saying “From now on, if you aren’t here by 8PM, we will have to reschedule your visit for another day.” Most importantly, stick by your statement so that your spouse knows you’re serious.

4. Get to the point. If your spouse gets off on an emotional tangent, bring the conversation back to the point at hand. Try saying “So, the bottom line is that you’re unable to take the children this weekend, but you would like to take them next weekend, correct?”

5. Stand firm. If your spouse asks questions that are irrelevant or make you uncomfortable, state clearly and concisely, “I appreciate your concern but I am not prepared to discuss that at this time (or ever).”

For more information on separation, divorce, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

You’ve already read the first and second installment in our series on Getting Ready to Separate: What to Take With You and What To Do Before You Leave. In our third installation, we look at what might be the most difficult conversation you will ever have to have: Telling your spouse that you’re leaving.

No matter how prepared you think you are for this conversation, chances are that you and your spouse will experience many unexpected emotions. While each couple and each separation is different, the following tips can be helpful as you navigate this harrowing process.

1. Script your thoughts. Think about what you would like to say to your spouse. Write a list and organize your thoughts. Keep it as simple, straightforward, and unemotional as possible.
2. Choose your time.  Set a specific time to speak with your spouse. Leave enough time to have a conversation (i.e. not as your spouse is leaving for work or as you’re going out the door to a social function).
3. Choose your place. If you are even remotely concerned about your physical safety, consider speaking with your spouse in a public place.
4. Find a friend. Tell at least one person about your plan to leave. Ask them to follow up with you after you speak with your spouse as you will likely need support. This is also wise in terms of ensuring your safety.
5. Take time to process. After you speak with your spouse, you’ll both need time alone to process what has been said. Make a plan to leave immediately after you’ve finished speaking to your spouse. Stay with friends or family while the dust settles.
6. Set up support. Consider pre-booking a session with a therapist. You may need it after speaking with your spouse.
7. Be prepared. Follow the advice in the first and second installment of Getting Ready To Separate, and make sure your exit strategy is already in place before speaking with you spouse.

For more information on separation, divorce, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

As we discussed in Divorcing With Dignity, keeping things civil with your ex is beneficial for everyone, especially when children are involved. However, communicating without tempers flaring is often easier said than done. You may be angry and resentful because your spouse cheated on you. Your marriage may have broken down because you and your spouse were unable to communicate.

Here are some tips for effective communication with your ex during your separation or divorce:

1) Make a list. Creating an agenda of topics to discuss and sticking to them will help you stay focused on resolving pressing issues without bickering.

2) Find a common goal. If you have children, agree to make all decisions with their best interests at heart. If not, find another end that you can both strive toward, such as selling your house so you can both move on with your lives. Sharing a common goal will help you work together towards a resolution.

3) Choose your medium. If you and your spouse cannot have a conversation without screaming at each other, consider using a different method of communication, such as written letters or emails.

4) Think before you speak, and especially before you write. If you find yourself getting angry or irrational while speaking with your spouse, terminate the conversation and resume it when you have had a chance to calm down. Do not send emails and text messages when you are angry. They may be used against you if you end up fighting over your children in court.

5) Cut ties. Contact your ex only when necessary. Keeping up regular communication just for the sake of being in touch will only make the separation more traumatic and drawn out.

6) Avoid accusatory statements.  No matter how angry you are at your spouse, using accusatory language will only make him/her defensive and your communication will break down. Be the bigger person.

For more information on divorce and other Family Law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

In the first installment of our Getting Ready To Separate series, we looked at 5 important steps you should take to prepare financially for the process of separating from your spouse.  Chances are, finances are at the forefront of your mind when you’re thinking of leaving a marriage. Separating is expensive. Moving costs, rent, incidental bills… it all adds up. Here are some additional items you should add to your pre-separation to-do list:

1. Take advantage of benefits. Especially if you’re covered under your spouse’s benefits plan, now is the time to use your benefits. See your GP for a physical. Have a routine dental cleaning or that root canal you’ve been putting off. Have your eyes checked by an optometrist and buy new glasses or contacts. Redeem any massage or physiotherapy benefits (you probably need a therapeutic massage anyway!) and fill all prescriptions as close to your date of separation as possible. All of these things add up, and you’ll be glad you don’t have to pay out of pocket for them when you have so many other new expenses.
2. Stock up on groceries. If you have a lower income than your spouse (and especially if you’ll be taking the children), having a fully-stocked kitchen will help while you’re trying to get on your feet. Groceries are expensive, and you don’t need another expense while you’re paying for rent, new furniture, car payments, or any other expenses associated with separating.
3. Make repairs and purchase anything you might need post-separation. This may include making repairs to your vehicle or replacing your old computer.
4. Remove any personal information from your shared computer. Clear your computer’s history and saved passwords, and record any information that you may need.
5. Sort and purge. Donate old clothes, books, and anything else that you don’t need or use. This will give you an opportunity to sort through what you want to take and leave, as well as downsize so you have less to move when the time comes.

For more information on divorce and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer