Going through a divorce can take a toll on your mental and physical health. It’s important to remember to take care of number one (that’s YOU) throughout the process. If you have children, you may be inclined to push your own needs aside to focus on theirs. While we always encourage you to prioritize the needs of your children, you can’t take care of them if you’re not healthy yourself. Here are some tips for staying healthy during your divorce:

1. Exercise. Taking care of your body while you’re dealing with emotional trauma is one of the most important things you can do. In addition to the general health benefits of exercise, taking some time to yourself several times a week to go for a walk or take an exercise class can help increase your cognitive function and provide an outlet for frustration. Furthermore, regular exercise can help you sleep better, and let’s face it: you need all the sleep you can get.

2. Ask for help. Whether you need help caring for your children, running errands, or a shoulder to cry on, now is the time to turn to your friends and family for support.   You may be surprised by the number of people who step up to help in your time of need.

3. Seek professional help. You may be dealing with issues that you are unable to manage on your own, or that your friends and family are unequipped to help you with. A counselor who specializes in separation and divorce issues can provide you with an impartial perspective and offer coping mechanisms.

4. Relax. Take some time for yourself every day to think, meditate, or clear your mind completely. Whether you enjoy cooking, reading, or even watching trash TV, taking the time to quiet the tornado of thoughts in your head is crucial for your health. Book a massage, take your kids to the park, and make sure you take care of yourself.

5. Let your lawyer help. Trying to navigate the legal system can be overwhelming. At MyOntairoDivorce.com, we have provided you with the information and resources you need to self-represent. However, completing these forms can be time-consuming, and if you’re already overwhelmed, it may be too much to handle. A qualified family lawyer can help alleviate some of the pressure.

For more information on domestic contracts, separation, divorce, and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

Supporting a friend or family member going through divorce can be confusing, especially if you’ve never been through the process yourself. Consider these tips for helping your loved one navigating his/her divorce:

1. Listen more, talk less. Many people going through divorce simply want a sympathetic ear. If your friend or family member wants your advice, they’ll ask you.
2. Acknowledge their trauma. A divorce is like a death. Often, there is nothing you can say to alleviate your friend or family member’s pain, but you can acknowledge how terrible the situation is and reiterate that you are willing and ready to help in any way.
3. Help Prioritize. Going through a divorce is overwhelming. Help your friend or family member set up a list of priorities. Make a budget. Research housing options. Collect bills and set up automatic payments. The fewer things they have on their to-do list, the better.
4. Avoid the “Moving On” talk. Do not suggest that your friend or family member start dating or moving on with their life. When they’re ready to take that step, they’ll tell you.
5. Suggest support groups. Your friend or family member may appreciate the support of like-minded people but may be too overwhelmed to look into it on their own. Provide your them with a list of available groups in the area and offer to call to obtain further information.
6. Do not attack their spouse. No matter how contentious the circumstances of separation, your friend or family member and their spouse may end up reconciling. Avoid a potentially awkward situation and keep your thoughts on your their spouse to yourself.
7. Offer to help. This may include babysitting to give your friend or family member some alone time, picking up groceries, or running errands. Ask them what they need and listen for clues. Keep asking, as their needs may change from day to day.
8. Provide Distraction. Invite your friend or family member to do something to take their mind off of the divorce. Something as simple as going for a walk can provide a welcome distraction. Don’t take no for an answer.

For more information on divorce and other family law matters, please visit MyOntarioDivorce.com or BermanBarristers.com.

Sincerely,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Lawyer

• Face your fears: of living alone, of taking care of yourself, of being responsible, of others disapproving, and of the unknown. Take new risks in spite of the fears.

• Ask for help: from friends, family, support groups, clergy, or professional counsellors.

• Notice the anger underneath the guilt. Low self-esteem can make people feel guilt and a sense of failure rather than anger at a difficult situation or at the other person. If anger is there, feeling and acknowledging it can make you feel more empowered.

• If you have children, pay attention to their needs:

- Manage visits in a cooperative way.

- Make sure your children know that the divorce isn’t their fault.

- If possible, make sure they see both parents regularly and have their own space in each home.

- Make it clear that you and your former spouse won’t be getting back together.

- Don’t confide in your children about relationships between adults but, at the same time, don’t keep secrets about what’s happening.

- Make sure they know you love them.

- Get counselling for them if they show signs of distress.

- Inform school teachers or counselors that events in their life are changing.

All my best,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Law Lawyer

Nearly all children whose parents are in the process of getting divorced experience feelings such as fear, loss, anger, and confusion. However, children can, and do, recover.

Parents play a crucial role in helping their children cope with divorce. Through understanding and guidance, children can learn to deal with the emotional aftermath of divorce and the healing process can begin.

When facing feelings of sadness and loss, parents can help their children by:

• Reassuring their children that what they’re feeling is normal and that the divorce isn’t their fault;

• Helping their children meet other kids whose parents have divorced so that they know they’re not alone;

• Helping their children express their feelings verbally as well as non-verbally, for example through art, music, or writing.

When facing feelings of anxiety and fear, parents can help their children by:

• Avoiding conflict in the children’s presence;

• Minimizing disruption in family routines;

• Setting aside special time with each child.

When facing feelings of anger and aggression, parents can help their children by:

• Teaching their children healthy ways of expressing their anger, for example through talking, art work, or sports;

• Being firm when their children’s angry behaviour is inappropriate and encouraging better ways to cope with their feelings;

• Letting school teachers and other caregivers know about the divorce so that they too can help the children cope.

All my best,

Robert Berman B.C.L, LL.B
Founder & Family Law Lawyer

Source

Labeling divorce as a “failed marriage” isn’t healthy because it leads to thinking that you yourself are a failure. A better way to think of the situation is that the marriage simply ended. It didn’t fail, it just ran its course and the time has come for the parties to move on to new chapters in their lives. The marriage may have ended sooner than expected or hoped, but it certainly didn’t fail. You need to re-train your brain to think of the marriage as having ended rather than failed. Doing so will help you emerge from your divorce with a better self-esteem and a healthier mindset for exploring and enjoying life. Do yourself a favour and banish “failed marriage” from your vocabulary.

All my best,

A wise man once said that hope is a decision or choice we make. We decide to trust life because of the inspiring deeds of men and women throughout history; we realize that we have the inner resources to cope with whatever comes our way.

Now, if you’re a pessimist then I’m sure you’ve already begun rolling your eyes at the thought of “hope” getting you out of whatever unpleasant situation you may be in. But I’m not suggesting that hope is the end all, be all solution to life’s problems.

However, I will argue that as a simple state of mind, given a chance, having hope can at least be a light at the end of the tunnel; it’ll help you strive for something better and encourage you to count your blessings. Life is synonymous with change, so any pain or fear that you’re experiencing will end, which is a cause to be hopeful.

Helping you help yourself,

Many separated or divorced people seem to be deferring their happiness until they achieve certain goals. We tell ourselves, “I’ll be happy when my divorce is finalized,” “I’ll be happy when I get custody of the kids,” “I’ll be happy when I finally meet that one person in the world who’s right for me.”

Dr. Barbara De Angelis, a relationship therapist, calls this behaviour the “I’ll be happy when…” Syndrome; we sabotage our happiness by postpoing it until some outside event or occurance changes our lives forever. The truth, however, is that happiness is not an acquisition, it’s a skill. It’s not about what we get or experience, it’s about the way we live our lives every day. We can get things we thought would make us happy, such as a house, a spouse, the kids, but we’re not going to be any happier because happiness isn’t dependent on the outside.

Helping you help yourself,

Source: Divorce Magazine

There’s no question that divorce can be painful and that it’s difficult not only to trust but also to love again. However, there are ways to get past the pain. Here’s some advice that you may find useful while trying to heal your heartbreak:

• In time, it’s important to put the pain behind you and move forward with your life. Otherwise, you’re giving away your power to the people who hurt you.

• Sometimes the relationship you need to rescue is the one with yourself. Moving past a breakup is about you, not your ex.

• Grief is a process to go through, not a destination in which to wallow. In a process, you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and each little step is part of your healing.

• Learn to trust again. Whenever you get involved in a relationship, you know that there’s a risk. Don’t let a bad experience keep you from living your life.

Helping you help yourself,

Tip: If you’re angry and aren’t sure what to do to make yourself feel better, shout it out! Roll up the windows in your car or put your head in a pillow and scream. This will help you drain some of the negative energy out of your body.

Ideas for relief? Share your stress busters!

Helping you help yourself,

Many people mistakenly believe that divorce means that they’ve failed- not that their marriage failed but that they somehow personally failed. They think that when people get married it’s supposed to last forever, as though it were preordained, so if the marriages ends they feel that they must’ve done something wrong to make it happen.

If you find yourself agreeing with these views then what you need to take into consideration is that change is the only constant and that this means that marriage is constantly evolving and imperfect. Sometimes two people are able to grow, change, and evolve in similar directions, sometimes not. Sometimes our expectations are the same as our partners, and sometimes not. If these changes lead you down the path of divorce then it wasn’t necessarily something you failed at but rather a natural evolution.

Helping you help yourself,